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I was in a convention for four days. It really felt like heaven over there. I'm not a person that have many friends. Having many friends feels strange for me. Not that I don't like it, but it's hard for me. I'm not that usual in that way that I have interests that many don't. I like to create things, is an anime and manga geek and like to daydream and I guess I'm a bit immature for my age.
I'm not interested in superficial things like getting drunk during the nights or smoke with friends, not that I'm against it, people can do what they want to do, but I'm not doing it.
When people are going to the right, I'm going to the left.

But during these four days, there were people that were going to the left with me and suddenly, it was many people around me. I'm not used to be the in the center of people's attention.
I met Anko, a fourteen year old girl. She was wearing this orange hat with cute kitten ears. She said that people didn't want to be with her, cause she was different and weird. I couldn't believe it at first, cause Anko is so outgoing and social on the convention. The world was too cruel to her, she didn't deserve it at all. But somehow I felt relieved, cause I often feel that feeling of not being really wanted and somehow I saw Kyo in her for some reason. I see all these people with so much to give, and yet, there are many of them who feel lonely or missunderstood.
Being missunderstood gives you the feeling of not being important. You're standing there as an odd bird, hoping that one day you will be completely accepted and hoping that you will never be betrayed no matter how much you show your true parts of yourself. Yet that risk always exists and you don't know how or when a friend can be trusted...

Ah....never mind...anyway, the parade showed the world that it's ok to be different. We showed them the good parts of our dreams, our fandom. We were living in a fantasy, a dream come true. We came as a rainbow.through the town. That's the strenght of being different. It was magical...

Now the magic has ended, Sara was anxious about her job and I got ill. The world wasn't kind when my family told me that grandpa is ill and you start to have this bad feeling that he hasn't so much time left on this earth, and cried alone next to the Lonely sea, like always, thinking that if you got the chance of living in a fantasy forever, you will take it and never look back.
Living in a fantasy is the only heaven on earth, even if it's a lonely illusion.

True happiness

This is probably the best summer in my life. I know that I had a lot of emo posts, but in order to be white you had to be black as well, and since I mostly show my white side, the black side of me has to have a place to go to.
This summer is great for me. I've found great friends, I have done the things I wanted to do and everything is going in the right direction. Today I feel blessed. People might find it ego, but I really felt loved by the world today. I found two clovers with four leaves. It might be silly to be happy for such small things, but for me, true happiness comes from small things in life.

I know too well that the true happiness is fragile. It's more easy to be unhappy than happy and it's more easy get your happiness destroyed than keep it. In two seconds, you can be the most unhappiest person on earth, but it takes more time to get happy.
I don't know how my future looks like. Either I can stand there in front of a graveyard alone, and everyone dies before me or either I'm surrounded by people who loves me no matter what storms are coming.  Either I've cut off all the bonds with friends and family or either I have created bonds with them. Either I cry alone or get comforted.

I don't know how it will end.
I don't know if my bad thoughts will ever go away, but I know that I need to live to find out.
In X/1999, there was a thing that Subaru said that got stuck in my head: If you don't live, then nothing will change.
The wish in your heart is your leading star,
My wish is...that I will find my ones and be able to trust once again without doubts.

I wonder if that wish will come true someday

The legend of the Ones

Lately these days have been really tough and right now I have an uneasy feeling inside of my body. Ever since my boyfriend was unsure of his feelings for me and wanted to leave me, I feel scared all the time.
Now he didn't left me of course, but I was still in chock.
I talked to him and I realized that we have different opinions about love. For me, love is a serious thing in that way that when I fall in love deeply, I intend to love that person for the rest of my life and be loyal to that person. For my boyfriend, it's more that he loves a person while it lasts and well, it doesn't matter if that love lasts a year or the rest of his life. And well it's not wrong to have that opinion, it's just like it seems in my boyfriend's eyes that he doesn't believe in true love like I do. And since he doubted about his love for me, it made me doubt if he is the One with a big O, since he doesn't believe in true love.

I believe in Ones
The One is a very rare person to find. It's a person that will stay by your side for life, will never betray you and a person that loves you without the desire to change you and without asking anything in return.  A friend or a family member can also be a One.
When I saw Michael Jackson's funeral on tv, they said that all of Michael Jackson's friends thought that this was something that Michael wanted, to be buried in a golden coffin and to let all of his fans be a part of his glorious funeral as the King of Pop. But one of Michael's  dearest friends didn't come at the official funeral and that was Elisabeth Taylor. She said: " This is not what Michael wanted"
Elisabeth was really close to Michael, she was the one who created the first Christmas for Michael after he left Jehovas witnesses. She knew something that the other friends didn't know, she knew Michael's true soul. She was Michael's One, that defended him from all the charges that he got from the media. That's a One.

Ones are like superheroes, in my mind I can see them walking, their faces are hidden the wind is breezing, but their aura of love is there, like a shadow, like a light. You can feel it. That's a gift from God, so that we won't get lost in this superficial world, where you can fake almost anything. The Ones are those that will be there for you in your hardships and will guide you through life.
A One can also be romantic One, but you can only have one romantic One. That One will stay with you for life.
If a One leaves you, then maybe that person isn't a One, except if that One dies, then it doesn't count.

Time will show if my boyfriend is a romantic One. I really hope so.

A One can show their true powers in many ways, either with time ( if you notice that you have a friend for many years) or with actions like being there in your darkest moments for an example or by knowing and predicting things about you that others can't.

If you have any of this qualities, then you probably is a One.

Jul. 9th, 2009

Okay, I'm gonna take this from the beginning.  I had some issues with my boyfriend. Yesterday, he was hanging out with his friend and he didn't answer any of my text messages that I sent from my cell phone, or in Sweden we call it sms, don't know how you guys have a word for it in english. I felt abandoned and well, somehow, my friend Cate missunderstood me and thought that it was her fault that I had my emo moments today, cause she was at her uncle's house having it good.  Well, since Marcus didn't send me any messages yesterday, I felt lonely, and well, since I missunderstood Cate, I waited for her, oh well...until 1 am in the morning. I felt like I was a true hikikomori, I missed Marcus so much. And when I laid in my bed, I was crying myself to sleep cause I felt lonely and felt stupid for missunderstanding Cate.
Today, Cate was apologizing for the mistake I made, cause it was my fault that missunderstood her, and even made some false expectations that I would talk to her last night, but then it went wrong cause she wanted me to have some expectations of her, but well... I have  a secret old codex (that is not secret anymore) to not have any expectations on people. This is a apathetic way that eliminates all disappointment and and anger towards another person, a great defence. The bad side is that people can hurt me as much as they want without knowing.They don't know when they treat me right or can't prove things to me, since my expectations is at zero.

Anyway, the true reason I was sad was cause of my boyfriend. I thought that he had stopped loving me, cause he wrote a message that the reason he couldn't think of me was because he find it hard to think of people he doesn't hang out with, and that broke my heart, and since I already felt terribly lonely, I felt really bad. It was so bad, so that I nearly was at the point of being destructive, my head was exploding, the heart was beating hard and my stomach hurt  like a nightmare, cause I thought that he would leave me. The loneliness, depressing weather, a precious person that was about to leave,  starting to have expectations and get disappointed wasn't a good combination. Many things together can create a bomb in my head, cause I'm not good at talking about feelings openly to others. In order to not do something stupid, I had to stay calm and keep myself in chess, telling my demons, that I cannot leave.

This can happen if I feel really bad and many may find it weird why I'm reacting like this, but since I haven't been treated well emotionally in my life, this is a side effect of it. And I'm trying to make it better, cause this is not something I want to have.

But all the things got solved. My boyfriend didn't mean that, and when he found out that he was hurting my feelings, he got sad instead. Now I feel guilty for even doubting in his love, another weak side of mine. But things are better now. And I feel better.

I have to stay calm

cause today and yesterday things happened, and I was alone. Now I'm at my breaking point, so I have to stay calm and keep hoping, otherwise I will hurt myself badly. I said once to myself that if I'm gonna sail on that dark sea again, I will be prepared with guns and swords. I have already faced it once, and I'm afraid, but I know that no matter what it happens, I have to keep me safe.
Otherwise, it won't end well.

The death of the bumblebee

Today when I waited for the bus, I saw a bumblebee falling from a tree to the hard grey ground. It was lying there and shivering all alone.
I felt sorry for the bumblebee, it must be terrible lying there and be forgotten by the rest of the world, not having anyone to cry for it.
I truly once believed that I would end up that way, and since I was a bit depressed this morning, I was thinking if I was lying there, like the bumblebee, shivering in my last moments of life, would anyone be sad for my sake? Does it really matter to others if I'm alive or not? Or will they forget about me?
And how long can a person live without bonds in this world, before the loneliness is too heavy to carry? How long can a person live without feeling loved and needed?

Those dark thoughts comes out now and then, questions I try to get an answer for. For me, life is not granted, you have to choose to live by your own wish everyday, not because you were forced into this world by your parents. The day when I was reborn, when I was about to commit suicide was the day I chose to live. But even then, I have moments when death is close, like with the bumblebee and I can still question my importance in this world.

For me, it's important to protect the happy people in the world, that hasn't have those kind of experiences. I have friends that are really loved in this world, that have lived a great life and have been treated well by family and friends. Those people are blessed and should continue being blessed. I'm marked, but with that mark, I've earned some wisdom and understanding that people and the human heart is a complex that shouldn't be underestimated. But the price for having that wisdom is a high price to pay, especially when in such a young age.  So I'm not bitter for not being blessed emotionally, the only thing I can be  mad at  is myself. So instead of being jealous at people who is having it good, I want to protect those, with my wisdom and with my knowledge.
Blessed people are important, cause they know what a human really deserves to be treated like and they are the ones who will tell the world that.

I feel better now, after clearing my heavy mind.

Is it right to feel?

Recently, times hasn't been good at home. I don't know what happened, but it has been like this for a long time. It's natural for a family to fight I guess, but I don't feel that we have a connection or a bond together, even though that we love each other. But well, I cut off the bonds a long time ago, cause it was bothering me.
Before I had a dad, I was living with my mom and my granny. Both of them are authoritarian and I had an authoritarian upbringing. When I read an artical from a therapist answering a readers question about her crying little daughter, the reader told her about that her husband wanted to punish her daughter for crying by threating her to not let her hang out with her friends, and the first thing the therapist said was that he should stop, otherwise the girl will get emotional scars.
And well, the thing is that my mom and grandma has done similar things with me during my whole childhood. If I was crying too much,  they yelled and threaten me with things. None of them could really  handle me. And I can't even count all the times I really tried to go to them when I was sad, but I was so afraid of being rejected or yelled at. I'm emotionally mutilated in that way that I can't be sad without feeling guilty, I can't be too happy without feeling guilty and I can't be mad without feeling guilty. If I'm too angry, I get criticised for being angry. if I'm too happy, I'm criticised for being selfish, and if I'm too sad, I get criticised for not suffering enough to deserve to be sad.

And now I'm crying in my anger, cause I'm so frustrated. Nothing I am or do is good enough. My emotions has mutilated limbs, the guilt is a result of it. And I'm feeling guilty now and I can't stop being guilty. And I get terrified if someone at home sees me crying.
I'm so tired. I guess I should sleep.

Why did I wake up today?

I woke up crying today, just me and God, alone crying silently , I didn't want to run today, but mom got mad, so I did it anyway, regretting for even waking up today. I want to sleep for a week and forget about everything, forgetting the tears from today.
I don't feel like going to the festival, but I've promised my friend. I should have stayed in that bed, and slept that week.
I'm sitting here, so happy for being alive. This must be the best summer in my life, I think. My cosplay is almost done, I'm going to Mallorca in Spain and I'm hanging out with friends. Oh, about friends, I dreamed about ca_te . The funny thing is that she dreamed about me the same night . When I heard about that, I was freaking out in happiness, cause a dream meeting is rare, we did just like the dreamgazers in X/1999 manga, walking through our dreams, meeting each other, I know...I'm a X/1999 freak, but always thought that the dreamgazing abillity is so cool, and now, I was able to know how it feels like with a friend that I've never met. Maybe it's because I've never met her and that my heart had that wish, that's why I dreamed about her. Maybe it was the same for her?

Love is a complicated thing. I've realized that my bond with her is getting stronger. And I feel a bit scared, I must admit. It's has nothing to do with her at all. It's about that it's hard for me to recieve all that love without feeling guilty. This has something to do with my dark time.

Bonds and love are strongly connected. The first thing I did when I was depressed was isolating from my loved ones. Everyday, I saw the world with grey eyes, looking at people like they were ants. They are working, eating, hanging out with their pathectic friends, chatting about superficial things. Life didn't look meaningful with those eyes. People were illusions to me, I thought. The thought of living, getting married, having kids made me axious,  Was life all about that? I didn't want to die, but I didn't want to live either. The true reason was that I was hurt, and that I didn't want get more hurt, but I didn't want to admit it. This life was boring and I wanted to leave it.
By isolating from your loved ones, not recieving love and not tell about your deep thoughts and feelings, is the recipe to cut off your bonds with your loved ones. Bonds are those ties who give you a reason to stay in this world and live with your loved ones. That's why a person can even think about commit suicide, even if that person have hundreds of people loving that person, if you don't have any bonds with them, you still feel lonely and missunderstood.

So my hardships of recieving love comes from that old habit. By recieving love from another, my bonds to that person gets stronger and gives me even a bigger reason to live. The same thing goes with being with people and tell them about my feelings and thoughts.
But isn't it good to have bonds? Why even try to get rid of them if they are so good?
With the bonds the attachment  comes. The more you're attached to a person, the more it will hurt if that person leaves. I was thinking about when Jonas died or when I lost a lot of friends in highschool. I wanted to cut of all the bonds, before anyone leaves me. I wanted to leave this world before anyone left me.

My friend Ana is in Taiwan. Before she left, I told her that I loved her. I know that she felt uncomfortable, but I did it on purpose, to try to create a bond with her, She and I have the same difficulties by accepting love from others, but I wanted to create that bond, so that she had a reason for not leaving this world.
You see, I'm trying hard to get rid of that fear of mine, and live a great life with strong bonds.

Internetfriends vs IRL friends

I've heard a lot of discussion about people's opinion about internet friends and IRL-friends, mainly negative thoughts about internet friends, like: An internet friend is not the same as a "real one" and you can't really be sure if the person tells the truth about themselves and many other arguments why IRL-friends are better. I can agree that it's not the same, the structure of building a relationship online is different than in the normal life. But I'm gonna tell more about the strenght that a relationship online can have, from my personal experience. I personally think that both is needed in this world and are important in different ways.

First of all, a relationship online is spartan, you can't see that person face to face (if you don't use webcam of course), hear that persons voice (if you don't use Skype) or even touch that person. If you compare to IRL-relationships, that's a big disavantage, but in my opinion, it could also be a benefit.

If you saw me  at the school or in the streets, without knowing me, would you step by, say hello and try to get to know me, just by looking at my appearence? Probably not. In the real life, when we are meeting new people, mostly we see other people, and get a first impression, just by looking at another persons appearence. Many people probably won't admit it, but the first impression can be the thing that decide if a person wants to build a relationship with another.
On the internet on the other hand, you can't really get an impression in that way, cause you don't have a face or appearence to look at, if they don't show you a real picture of course, but most people don't do that. So in order to get a personal impression, you are forced to talk with that person.

Another thing people say is that is easy to lie about yourself on the internet. Of course it is, but it's not a good argument why IRL-friends are better. You see, people in IRL can lie to you as well, you're not protected from lies in the normal world either. On the internet it's of course easier to lie without showing emotions. Because of that fact, if you're building a relationship online, you have to trust every word that the person you chat with tells you. That could be risky of course, but it can also be a strenght, that you are forced to trust a person online in order to get close, and that can give you a type of closeness that can takes months or even years to build IRL.

Another thing is the distance, if you're lucky, you can chat with one friend in the same country and the same city. But that's not always in case. If you have manage so far to getting a close friend online, then the distance won't matter, cause the distance is all that you have. It won't matter if you friend is from Alaska, Russia or France, the distance keep you even closer. With irl-friends, you have to hang out with them and do things with them in order to keep the friendship in good shape. An internetfriend don't have the same demand. The only thing you have to do is talk, cause that's the only thing you know.

An other advantage that an onlinerelationship has is the possibility of being completly honest. If you can lie about yourself on the internet, you can also do the opposite way and talk about things that you will never say face to face, just because of the secure feeling that the person on the other side of the screen can't hurt you. It's the same effect like when you're talking to a therapist, the therapist can't judge you the same way a person close to you can, you don't have to feel embarrased of showing all of your emotions. That honesly can create a deep bond.

And finally the strength of an internetrelationship is the conditionless love. Since the interaction itself is so Spartan, the closeness gets conditionless in that way that you don't have to give much. All you have to do, all you can do is talk.

I feel terrible lonely.



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